Written December 2015 and here I am months later with no new post and months later I still feel I have not done what I feel drawn to do. So I will edit and post the following no matter what. Then I will work to continue to post and find my way.
When I set this blog up I had thought I may be able to be more supportive. I haven’t and I apologize for that. It was about that time I had learned I have cancer. There seemed to be very little support in my local area to be found at the time. After over a year I am still not sure how much support in the form I was seeking there is. Do I really know what form that support is or will be?
There are cancer groups out there in different forms. So, why in all this time have I not been able to find that one group offline or online that feels possibly the one? There are technical groups that share links or information about the technical information but not always the type of information I need to be reading. For one it may be to overwhelming with technical information and jargon. Some do not make it seem very promising at times.
Then there are some that appear supportive and they are. Problem with those is the membership is so large people seem to become lost in all the members in those. It is more helpful but there are so many members it’s hard to really make any sorta bond which is what I may be searching to find.
So that brings me to the facts of even with loads of individuals in a group one can still feel alone on this journey. It seems we become so focus on our journey which has so many crooks and turns. Those crooks and turns keep us more isolated them bonded. And maybe the truth is we don’t want bonds because we find the bonds suck our energy which becomes very precious and sometimes it feels as if it is nonexistent?
So what do we want? What will help and be more supportive on this journey? Although this post doesn’t read the way I am about to share this next feeling, I work to stay as positive as possible. That falters more than it actually works. Some of the negative feelings and thoughts come from new medications. This makes me so leery of almost all new medication. Medications which have no connection to the cancer at this time.
So what am I, what are we, as cancer patients really seeking in relationships with others? Maybe just some sort of understanding? Understanding in the form that others in our lives understand our journey? How can they? If they aren’t cancer patients with incurable or high incurable cancer rate, they won’t understand.
While they really may think they understand and know how it is, they don’t. I know because when I was an outsider to this life, I thought I understood more. I found out once I was diagnosed with cancer that I had and still at times have no clue about this life. And what makes the knowledge of that worse, the outsiders really have no clue! They think because most of the time we give the appearance with them all is well, it’s just another day in our lives much like another day in theirs. It’s not!
Even now when I look at my brother, a cancer patient too, when we are together I find myself wondering how he feels about it? Does he have the same feelings as myself. He was the one who labeled non-cancerous individuals as “The Outsiders”. But as I sit here writing this, “Are they the outsiders or are we?”
Most of the time I feel as if I no longer belong to be around others. I feel as if I am in a glass space or a cage or something looking in on their world. No longer a part of that world that I seem to have left behind. And stranger still I feel I am not a part of the cancer people’s world either. So where do I fit into the world? Where do I and where have I or when have I ever felt as if I fit into any part of the world?
From the few conversation with a dear friend, a friend who for a long time seemed to have it all together. Not saying her world did not have ups and downs, she just seemed pulled together enough or in touch with her emotional, feeling side to appear so strong all the time. As if nothing could push her off the high view of the waterfall where she loves to go and find her strength. She would and could never fall.
Well, this friend has been sharing her times of lack of strength and togetherness. She shows more of her true strength now and I look to her stories she shares to find my true strength. She is showing she is as vulnerable as myself in her life and she uses that vulnerability to learn more about herself. I do the same but have always felt that was a show of my weakness even though maybe all the time it was my true strength.
My strength because although it hurts deeply at times, I was and am learning, growing. If I were not doing that, feeling the pain, learning and growing then what? I would soon find myself not breathing? Right? So, I must find reassurance,self assurance, support, respect, strength and so much more within myself. Not seek this from others as much as I should be seeking it within myself.
And with that and the fact I must think on what I just shared with you and with myself at the same time, I will end here. I will end to go and process these thoughts. To learn from these thoughts and become a stronger person in this world. A person not feeling guilty for her feelings. Sharing her deep inner feelings in hopes these feelings may help others traveling different roads of cancer or other areas of their lives.
You don’t have to have cancer or anything deadly to get something from these shared words. It is how we all may feel at times in our lives. Right? So hopefully, you came to read this at a time when the words touch you and help you in this life journey. That’s all my dream is for this site and post. It is to share and help myself while in that process it helps someone else in the process. You are not alone in your emotions and feelings.
Peace and Blessings to you and everyone,