Can’t Sleep

Yes, my sleep is at its worse right now and has been a problem for me for months now.  Recently, I did have a few days where I was able to sleep and I mean like two or three. During those days I could not help but think I was going to get more improved sleep.  It was short lived and I am now back into the non-sleeping phase and it’s not one that I am enjoying Oor giving me the nurtured sleep I require. It’s hard enough to keep my brain working properly with better sleep and then now add to it the lack of sleep then it’s even harder to keep things straight and to do things right.

Yesterday, I had a doctors appointment with an orthopedic Nurse Practioner to have my knee checked. Well, I thought it was gonna be a simple case of a cyst on my knee which would need draining. Of course, it seems once you have cancer nothing goes as expected, does it. Now I am scheduled for an MRI to see if a white spot on my knee that showed up on the x-ray is cancer or not.

Of course, it seems once you have cancer nothing goes as expected. Now I am scheduled for an MRI to see if a white spot on my knee that showed up on the  x-ray is cancer or not. I was told it is usually a benign tumor. Hearing that is it really supposed to make me feel better? I’m not sure if it helps to hear that, I guess it can’t hurt.  I’m scheduled for an MRI on Thursday afternoon. It will have to be rescheduled because I have something else to do that day.

(Note: Yes, I appear  to have repeated myself a lot in those last two paragraphs.  Guess that shows how tired I was last night.)

So after that bit of news I found myself craving more and more sugar early last afternoon. This seems to be my go to food for comfort or whatever it does for me. I know  sugar is the worst food for cancer patients or anyone really. It seems that some studies show sugar feeds the cancer cells. So I know I shouldn’t be eating it, I can’t seem to help myself and so I make my usual sugar run to the local Doollar  General. This sugar phrase will go on for maybe weeks or it could be less. I never know.

Unbelievable, I find myself falling asleep as I try to write this. I will give into the body’s need and I’ll try to turn over and rest, that usually doesn’t happen. Instead my mind starts to wander into other thoughts  which keep me awake. Something I have been using is Essential  Oils which help with my rest and many other issues. The problem is  I haven’t gotten them on a consistent regular routine schedule which will help a lot with everything. And I’m not sure why I find it so difficult to get myself on schedule within my life especially now.

(Started writing again this morning.)

So, at some point after writing the last paragraph I apparently fell asleep. It was sometime in the wee hours of the morning.  I haven’t really had great sleep since before  my  diagnosis August 11, 2014  and this was just another night like all the rest of them, no real restful sleep. I wonder at times, is it the normal way most people sleep when they have the cancer cells traveling through their body?

You see, I’m not sure because I’ve never been one to sleep very well at night. Or I should say sleep at a decent hour in the night and get up in a decent hour in the morning?  For me, I am more a night person wanting to be a day person because when I have been able to be awake in the morning at a decent hour I enjoyed the day so much more.  Or at least the morning hours are nice then I could probably still sleep in the middle of the day and get up later and be quite happy, I think.

For now, all I know is my sleep  habits  are not working for me. I’m not getting good sleep anytime of the day or night.   My activities support that I’m not getting good sleep because I have a great difficulty with my mind and not remembering well and not being able to do things. Yes, one could say it’s because of the age but on occasions where I have been able to rest a little bit deeper and with enough sleep I found my brain functions well. It’s not 100% ever because it doesn’t happen enough nights in a roll to help to that degree.  But at least when it happens it works better than what I’m getting now.

Right now, I’m finding this difficult to write because my mind is going 50 million different ways to numerous thoughts. Maybe it’s because I need to get up take my medicine which will help me focus because that’s what my medicine do.  I guess I’m kind of maybe repeating myself so I will end this post at this point to keep from boring you to death.

It’s funny when I used the word death  I immediately thought, is this going to bother someone to read the word death. It may bother someone but as for me it does not bother me in this context.   So if the word bothers you then let me know how you feel about it, I would love to hear. My best to all of you who are dealing with cancer in anyway, rather as a caregiver, patient or in whatever capacity.

Peace and Blessings,
~Hoda~

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