When I came here to write this post, I had an idea to write and share. I have many ideas to share float into and out of my mind throughout the day about what I want to share. The problem is by the time I get here to write the post then it’s gone. Yes, just that fast!
Upon having the thought minutes before I had an idea for writing something here and my mind was telling me this was really good and I had to share it. Then upon getting here and that thought now it’s gone. Lately, I feel as if I am not able to keep my thoughts together enough and sometimes I can’t even think of the right words to use. Not that it’s that easy at other times to remember but the last couple months have been extremely hard. No, it’s not because of the CLL and treatments for it because I am still on the W&W (Wait and Watch or is it Watch and Wait?) for CLL changes to warrant treatment.
Although, part of what may be happening is it may be time to increase the dose of my medicine for my ADHD. It has been years since it was increased because I tend to push to not take medications and or treatments until I absolutely have to do so. It may be time to discuss with my primary doctor to increase my dose now. I have anxiety doing so and that is another long story and I don’t think I want to dwell there for this post.
Am I going to have a point for this post? Right now, I’m not sure. I could go off on so many topics. I stop myself because I don’t want to get on a whining bit and be totally boring which some topics may be. Then while I am writing that I’m not going to whine or be negative I am asking myself if it may be helpful to others reading this? I’m sure some of you have some of my same issues in life.
So this brings me to wonder?consider and prepare what I may want to share with ya’ll today. Guess I could start with the fact I went to the doctor last Tuesday. Was it a good visit, yes and no. Yes, because I was told my lab results look as if it may be a good while before treatment would have to start. My lab test were all very good and I could tell that from looking at it before seeing the doctor. I know some of you have bad results and therefore have already started treatments. I feel and have felt a bit guilty when I think about sharing this type of good news with you.
Why do I feel guilt sharing good news with possible readers who don’t have good news? Because I am still able to say I am setting on the starting line of all this. I have much less to share about the CLL and treatment because I haven’t even gotten away from what I am considering the starting line. Then there are those of you who have gone through… ????? what term would or do you use? gulling treatments. I know it is not easy because having watched other relatives, friends, etc. go through them.
Well, that said about what to write then I guess I may just write from my thoughts which has worked in the past when I wrote on a regular basis many, many, many years ago. Lately, I am having bad bouts of depression. It has not been easy and my internal self wants to make me feel bad for those feelings and thoughts. In some ways I have no right to be depressed and in others I don’t. Right now there is a lot happening for me and I am not dealing well with how to handle the situations. I feel overwhelmed so that may be a part of the depression.
Oh, am I getting into negative talk? Yes, guess I am and that is part of life, right? We can’t avoid negative feelings, thoughts and talk indefinitely. I have issues with that too. I don’t want to be negative all the time, although, I have the DNA gene of a worrier working against me. 😦
Yes, I would prefer to be a 100% positive and happy person. Who wouldn’t? It’s just a bit harder for some to do that…me for example. I am the type person who has a lot of sentences using the word but or similar in them. I want to be positive and happy only but… You know that kind of person? I know it is not good to be with others and be a sentence maker with a but in many of them. So, I was and I have worked on it and brought the use down some “but” not as much as I would like.
Where I have problems with this being positive and happy all the time when being with others is taking people like that as truthful individuals and are they hiding something? Or just trying to be nice and bring sunshine to others. There are those that you can tell they are making a hard effort at it and it’s not how they are at home, most probably. I know there has to be a happy medium to being a sunshine person and a “but” person.
BUT haha you know those people I am talking about that will lie rather than tell the truth if it is a negative truth because it is not portraying them as a happy person. Those individuals that want people to enjoy being with them because they are happy and never gloomy? I know my way hasn’t worked for me or others and I am working on it. I just don’t want to be fake and not really be me, the happy me mostly, hopefully. And yes, I know others will not want to be around me as much and sheez, I don’t want to be around me as much. LOL
So, I don’t like talking with those people as much who are so UP all the time like nothing ever is wrong and it seems such an effort for them. I don’t want to be like that either. I want it to seem as if it is natural for me. Yeah, I know, it is just as likely people don’t like to be with someone using “but” all the time either and it seems natural for them to see the negative to things. That’s why it concerns me and I am working on it constantly.
As for my use of “but”, for now, I have come to the conclusion that my use of “but” sentences are not meant to be a downer. They are really my way, or at least in my thoughts of why I do it, my way to protect, take care of others. For example, I may say something like, “That sounds good ‘but’ it may not happen because blah blah blah.” Why can’t I stop at “sounds good “? Honestly, I try really hard to do that and am finding if stop and ask myself some questions about how important the extra comment is before I open my mouth it helps.
What kind of questions? Something like, if I don’t add the but or down side to the end of an answer, will it cause the person harm? Serious harm that will be unable to change? Will they be fine if it should happen? What are the chances of whatever I add, to the but sentence, happening? In reality of my learning this about myself, I am finding that maybe the “but” part rarely happens. So, drop it then!!! Right? Easier said than done “but” (haha} I am stopping more and more and maybe that will make my relationships and interactions more enjoyable.
And I was told by one therapist to drop the but and we hadn’t even had the conversation about my use of it. She already picked up my possible overuse of it when I first started seeing her. She was right about my overuse of it and I had to or have to drop it as much as possible. It is not easy to stop using it in some sentences and I realized maybe she didn’t mean I had to drop it completely from every sentence. I needed to drop it a lot of the time though. Must find a happy middle ground.
Right now, when someone ask me how I am, I take it the person really wants to know. Do people really want to know? Guess if they do then they would ask their question differently. Maybe with something like, “How is your health lately?” “How are things with __________ ?” (Insert a father, mother, sister, brother, etc into the blank.) The question would be more direct.
As for me, I am the type person who figures it you want to share your situation, information about your life with me then you will. I should not be nosy and ask you a hundred questions about your life. You just may not want to share. I am learning that most of the time that does not work because people have to have prompting questions in order to maybe feel comfortable sharing some information. What do you think?
Okay, I don’t know how I got onto this topic. It’s not the topic I came to write about and I still do not remember what it was so maybe it will return another time. For now, I am going to end this and come back when and as I have more to share and hope you are all doing well. Hope you have a nice weekend too.
Peace and Blessings,