A Zillion and One? ha

Do you ever write a zillion, okay a slight exaggeration, a zillion different messages to people in your life and give your deep thoughts when in an off mood? Struggling with life, cancer, etc. I just had a marathon of writing them.  I wrote about 4 or 5 different people.  Did I send the messages to the person(s), no.  I can’t ever decide if I want them to see or if I just want them to see it after I pass away? These messages don’t have my feelings or at least not bad feelings about them in it. It just my thoughts and emotions about what is going on with me and my body or maybe with someone else but I know the other person will probably not see it.

So how about if I put one of those unsent messages here and maybe one or more of you might answer it.  “Do you have thoughts of letting life slip from you? Do you have thoughts of being lonely even sometimes when with others and not alone?  My thoughts are overwhelming tonight.  I just want to know if this might be normal in our life with illness.   I don’t feel and hardly ever have felt I fit into this life.  I never have fit this life.  I never have fit this life so maybe God is helping with that?  He is making or has made the decision, I can’t for myself.  I no longer feel I want to live this life.”

Hmmm Maybe you see why I didn’t send it to my brother who has Follicular Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma.  He is in remission which is like telling people, “He is healthy and has no cancer and has had no cancer.”  Again another exaggeration, but the non-cancer public take the medical term “remission” to mean they are cancer fee and will stay cancer free because they are in remission.  It is so far from the truth for some.  Right?  My brother is at 6 year point of remission and that is great.  What others don’t know and sometimes he does not share with anyone, he has had other cancers, like skin cancer.

So see, even though he has been free of Follicular Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma for six years, he has had others. Which I am unable to say for sure what he has had because he tends to keep it to himself.  Maybe because he has a sister who does not know to keep it to herself.  I may have to write on that another time.

What I have heard is a lot of the cancer patients don’t even like telling people they are in remission.  Another reason for that is they still struggle daily from the effects of just having the cancer and having taken treatments.  The treatments kick you in the behind and even just having the cancer kicks!  Just by having the cancer cells I am finding it is enough to kick you to the corner and back or more. Energy is a big issue when cells are growing and or living in your body.

This is weirder for or to me because I am on the Watch and Wait form of treatment for now. People hear Watch and Wait so they think it is as if there is no cancer if they are watching it.  They know it might become something but do they really think past the Watch and Wait?  They don’t, if you ask me, they can just think the person will be okay if they don’t think past what that might mean. They don’t have to face it! Is more what it may be about than anything.

As a W&W patient, it’s not that simple.  Is anything about cancer ever simple? I mean I am on W&W and since I have Chronic Lymphocyte Leukemia (CLL) & Small Lymphocyte Lymphoma (SLL) there are chances of secondary cancers in any part of your body with just the CLL and two?  Which means my body may attack at any time and it does.  I have lymph cells that swell and reduce almost constantly. Lymph nodules that are moving and should they be moving?  Should they be swelling up?  Will they go down before they become a problem?  No, they shouldn’t be changing like this is healthy cells but are we looking at healthy cells?  Nope.

Next, the spleen is another issue and mine is on the ledge of being abnormal but can fall off that ledge at any time and become very much not normal.  And there are so many other issues that pop up like the possibility of getting flu, and zillion, ha another exaggeration, LOL zillion other infections and other illnesses which may be the one that takes you and not the cancer.  Even if the cancer is the reason your immune system was down enough to allow you to contact these infections and illnesses if they are the reason you pass then the cancer will not be.  Crazy, right? It is to me. IT’S ALL about the CANCER.

Peace and Blessings,


One thought on “A Zillion and One? ha

  1. I completely understand and have empathy with every one of the thoughts you posted. You may not have found the cancer support group that is “the one,” but you are not alone in your thoughts. I have found my blog to be a complete angst cleanser…like Ajax on a tile surface, though our skin is not quite as tough as tile. Write when you have no other outlet. Write when you do. Just write.

    Watch and wait teaches one patience, much like the trying of one’s faith.


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